I have had so many negative emotions and thoughts running through my head. Especially those thoughts of how you approached me that one night right before a movie started at a Christian Singles Movie Night. The setting was so beautiful with the bright lights because the theme was 'Movie Night Under the Stars' so the church staff had set up the stringed lights. I just loved it. But you came along with your sweet words, expressing to me all of these things about who you were and what you were looking for which at the time was supposed to have been you wanting to settle down.
However, fast forward to the day when you just had a nervous breakdown or whatever and decided to flip out on me and say how you "can't do this" -- totally changed up on me and said that you couldn't "be in this relationship.” How dare you waste my time after pursuing me? I mean our first date was at the National Prayer event in Washington, DC. Then we 'fellowshipped' with your family, friends, and attended worship services together, commuted together to the train station for work and that was not even a super long ride so you couldn't have been that tired of me lol (had to insert a laugh somewhere). But seriously though, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
I'm so glad I have Jesus because you totally wasted my time. You came at me with your lies. Not only did you waste my darn time but you were not honest with yourself or me. Not only that, but you also used me in what I consider to be your 'relationship project' I guess. I wanted to do some irrational things, I wanted to take a break from being a Christian woman for just a second and let my world pause so that I could really lose control and destroy everything around me. But I couldn't even though I wanted to.
I wanted to throw your expensive tech gadgets out of the window, I wanted to hurt you so bad, not beat to a pulp but really smack the daylights out of you for hurting me so bad. But, I had to drive in tears to my cousin's house and tell her all of my sorrows. I mean so what you broke up with me the week before my birthday, so what we only dated a little less than a year, so what you kept saying that you really thought I was the one and that you wanted to put the ring on my finger (readers: don't judge, sometimes this sort of thing turns out right, just didn't this time).
How could I get past this anger? Well, because God is amazing, because I had prayer, because I know that I'm better than the evil person I wanted to be in the moment of rage…you don’t want to know all of the terrible things I was conjuring up in my head. Because I am an imperfect, yet amazing woman who deserves more.
There is more to the story about my negative aspects to the former relationship, but with all due respect to him and most importantly to myself, I will refrain from bashing...more than I have. I just wanted to encourage those of you out there who really want to do some crazy things. Remember, you are great, we all need to work on ourselves and as for me, I will always need Jesus. He is the only one who can help me not be crazy lol seriously though.
